Like most normal human beings (that is, if you class me as ‘normal’) I get things wrong or make a mistake here and there. But, for an Autistic person like me, mistakes always seemed worse than they actually were. I’m not as bad as I used to be.
I’ll give you a past example…
Back in my school days I was one of the more ‘capable’ students, and thus, my reputation grew as such. So, I felt pressure every single day to always give it my best and to ensure that I never got anything wrong or did anything wrong. When I did say the wrong thing or I made a mistake during maths, I would get quite upset. It felt like I had let the whole school down and let myself down for not living up to my reputation. My reputation of not only being clever, being the best at sports but being a gentleman too.
It wasn’t necessarily getting things wrong; it was more about making someone unhappy or making someone cry. That’s the worse feeling for me. I would hate to think that someone is unhappy because of me. I strive to do the opposite. If someone raised their voice to me, I took that to mean I had done something bad and that made me feel ashamed.
That was when I started to fear getting things “wrong”.
Sometimes I would say things that I didn’t mean to say or say something because I didn’t know how else to explain it. I put pressure on myself because I probably took words too literally (hence, I don’t always understand sarcasm or generalisation), and the teachers put pressure on me to get me ‘motivated’.
I still remember doing my GCSE’S. In January 2006, I started my preparations for doing the Foundation GCSE’s in maths. It was literally the only subject that I did. Every time I got a question wrong I would get a telling-off for not ‘concentrating’. I was even called to the office one time for getting a score lower then average. I remember I got severely scolded because I got an easy question wrong. It was stated that I got it wrong because I didn’t work a question out using a calculator. In actual fact, I did use a calculator, I just added it up incorrectly.
Doing GCSE’s made me feel both proud and stressed. On the day I received a stern telling-off and had to re-take practice tests I did cry. All I did was get a few questions wrong and yet I got berated. I was under more pressure than ever to not get anything wrong.
2006 wasn’t the year of Ryan. XD
It was necessary for me to prepare 6 months for GCSE’s. I went on to get a D, well, one mark from a D (highest you could get for Foundation Maths). So, I like to think I did myself proud. Students at secondary have 5 years to prepare for GCSE’s and I only had 6 months and managed to pass, so, a pat on the back for me! =D
It’s important to look at it from my teacher’s point of view though; it’s a very stressful job. WWE wrestler Kane actually did some teaching before becoming a wrestler and he said that it was the hardest job he ever did. I can understand why. Teachers and TA’s are always under pressure to get the best out of a student and/or they have to meet a certain criteria. Hence, they can become stressed, which then passes on to the student.
My school was actually closing down in 2006 due to lack of funds. And that was pretty much when government started to close down SEN schools. This was the first and only time that the school had a student taking part in GCSE’s, I.E., me. They were under pressure to try and end the school on a good note and to get the best out of me. When they yelled at me I think they were trying a reverse-psychological approach… it failed- miserably. Haha. XD
They wanted to make sure as well that I was always focused, which I was by all means. It’s just that when you have your head bogged down on something and you get fatigue, sometimes, the easiest questions are the hardest, and the hardest questions are the easiest. My thoughts are, it’s not if you know the answers, it’s whether you can focus during the actual test.
I still have some quirks to tell you the truth. I still get a little sensitive if I feel I’ve done something to upset someone or to make them ashamed of me. I’m not as bad though as I’m older and I have more experience of how to handle these situations.
As for general mistakes like getting knowledge wrong… I couldn’t really care less about those sorts of things. XD Sometimes I do get confused and ask questions but I never really go off on a tangent. If I’m mistaken about something, it’s no big deal.
Why, I wrote a blog on Captain America: Winter Soldier recently, annotating a review…
You can check out the review here: Captain America: Winter Soldier Review
I got a few things mixed up there!
You see, I thought the Winter Soldier (Bucky) was called Hydra. In actual fact the whole evil organisation is called Hydra, and not called Red Skull Army. XD Red Skull was the antagonist in the first film. Whoops!
Back in the day I would get really upset and I would feel extremely pale by writing a few mistakes on a blog post where many people mite read it online. Nowadays though, I kind of laugh at this sort of thing. Because these days people tend to laugh at my mistakes rather than yell at me. I’m an adult, thinking about it, and I’m allowed room to make mistakes.
Feeling no pressure for being me and being clever and what have you is all washed away in the past. The way I am now, getting things wrong and making mistakes left and right, getting barrels of laughs at my mishaps, suits me very well. It’s a part of who I am. =)